The Dwight Gooden Poster

As I sit in my spacious chalet high in the Alps, I cannot help but think back upon a momentous year in sports and, more importantly, The Dwight Gooden Poster's coverage of sports. Below you will find my favorite TDGP and sports memories from the past 12 months.

10. Giants beat Patriots

I hate the New England Patriots. I hate, hate, hate the New England Patriots. I hate their stupid fans, the ridiculous rules that the officials create for them, and their dirty tactics.

Above: President Bush retrieves American flag from Gilette Stadium, tells Bob Kraft to "go fuck himself."

I hate Tom Brady. He might be the worst thing ever to come out of California. How did I feel about their defeat at the hands of the New York Giants? I felt great about it! I jumped up and down and looted the nearby village in jubilation! I took so much pleasure in seeing those smug grins wiped off the faces of those New England pricks. What? Your professional sports teams haven't won a championship in like four months? Fuck you. Your team's "perfect" season went down in flames and will be as meaningless as the turd I dropped in the can that night.

Now that I have the vitriol out of my system, we move on to less angered moments of joyous remembrance.

9. Jimmy P's RIDICULOUS Bets
Here at TDGP we occasionally like to engage in friendly wagers. Golf majors, NCAA basketball tournaments, PBA events (the Pepsi Viper Championship was a particular favorite), equestrian events (Doc Hollywood is mad for dressage), and the Arena Bowl are especially popular objects around which we will periodically place a bet. This past year's NBA Finals, however, saw unprecedented levels of bet placing. 95% of said wagers were initiated by our own Jimmy Paasche, who in his apparent fervor over his beloved Lakers' ascension to the champtionship round engaged in numerous speculative pronouncements of dubious nature. Perhaps the most ridiculous among these was that Ray Allen, who had averaged 17.4 points per game that season, would go scoreless in one Finals game.
How did Allen do?
Game 1: 19 points
Game 2: 17 points
Game 3: 25 points
Game 4: 19 points
Game 5: 16 points
Game 6: 26 points

Above: Denzel and Ray have a good laugh at the prospect of him going scoreless for an entire NBA game. Said Washington, "He Got Game."

As you can see, Jimmy P was really off in his prognostication. Everyone at TDGP who was present during this epically bad bet happily took the odds and are still waiting for the $5 payoff.

Above: Jimmy P terrifies a poor unsuspecting bystander by predicting that Chris Mihm will be the 2008-09 NBA MVP.

8. The Cincinatti Bengals touchdown song.
Admittedly, home crowds heard this ditty very little this season. If you have heard this song, you know that Bengals fans have been spared what might just be the worst sports-affiliated song in history. I pity the poor bastards who actually find it enjoyable to sing, or at least to mouth the words, to this atrocious concoction of stupid lyrics and horrific synth music. I'm not even sure that one could call this a "song," unless perhaps one is willing to stretch the term quite liberally in the sense that "everything is a song of sorts." Even by this standard, the Bengals touchdown "song" sounds worse than anything I have ever heard.

Above: Cincinatti quarterback Carson Palmer proudly shows off his "no on touchdown song" pin. Said Palmer, "How can you make this franchise lamer? Give us a shitty song on those few instances when we actually reach the end zone. Thanks."

7. If an IU basketball program falls in the woods, does it make a sound?
If you are a member of TDGP, the answer is a resounding "no." If you are an undergrad at Indiana University or a permanent resident of south-central Indiana, the answer is a resounding cacophony of sobbing and bitterness. The ridiculous nostalgia of IU basketball fans has already been commented upon, yet as someone who grew up with IU I feel particularly close to the utter dismay with which we currently find the basketball program. As with Notre Dame and other programs who have experienced some success and a lot of hype, IU basketball has not seen legit success in some time. As a casual fan, it is sad to see the program reduced to even this level. I cannot, however, make sense of the die-hard fan base or the decisions of those in charge of IU athletics. To say that IU basketball is messed up is an understatement. Perhaps I will no longer have students tell me that they chose IU because of its basketball program. On second thought, that will still happen. Nevermind that they are not actually basketball players.

6. Fantasy Football
2008 marked the merciful end of my first FF season and the triumphant beginning of my second. I supremely enjoyed the weekly humiliations of other competitors and found my once rock solid loyalty to the Colts tested by my desire to push the Zitty Lepers to victory. It really does change the way that you watch football, as you find yourself hoping for ridiculous scenarios whereby your defense should only give up yards to a third down receiver. My second season was a vast improvement over the first, and while I lost in the first round of the playoffs I enjoyed the experience thoroughly. I look forward to next year's draft, where Travis will once again grace the league with frequent cries of "boomshakalaka!" whilst drafting a seventh place team.

Above: Travis researches his fantasy football picks.

5. Federer loses edge while Nadal's right arm becomes less sickly
I make no apologies for being a Federer fan. While some at TDGP find his Swiss heritage dubious, the guy is overwhelmingly well-liked on the tour and is refreshingly even-tempered (which makes him my exact opposite in life). Pete Sampras was my favorite tennis player for a long time, yet I was and still am willing to embrace Federer's assumption of the men's major singles title record.

Above: Artist's rendering of Nadal's pre-2008 physique.

I love watching Nadal play too, even if I'm somewhat disturbed by his disproportionately sized arms and the fact that he does everything (and I do mean everything!) else with his right hand.
Thankfully, Nadal has addressed this situation, bringing the two limbs into more approximate shape and size. The Wimbledon contest between Federer and Nadal was arguably one of the greatest tennis matches ever played, and I really hope that their rivalry continues well into the future. If Federer passes Sampras's record, that's great. If not, oh well. Watching a Federer/Nadal match takes me back to the tennis matches of my youth when I really enjoyed watching the game. Agassi, Sampras, Lendl, Becker, Connors, and Ivanisevic made tennis extremely exciting for me as a kid. Federer and Nadal bring that back, and I thank them for it.

4. Ed Hochuli supremely screws the Chargers, releases cookbook with Brett Favre
TDGP has already spoken at length about Referree Ed Hochuli's badassery, so I'll be brief here. The Hochman is human and has made some supremely questionable calls this NFL season. The most glaring of these clearly cost the Chargers a win over the Broncos.

Above: John Thornton and fellow Bengals players know to steer clear of Hochuli's "widowmaker" signalling.

Despite his trespasses, 2009 marks a new year for the most powerful man in football. In time, San Diego fans will move on to something else and Hochuli will return to destroying his rivals in the courtroom and modelling in his spare time. His collaborative work with Favre on the benefits of a healthy baby rich diet is set to hit stores in early spring and promises to sell well. If you are looking for happiness, success, and a cheap way to get there, I suggest you pick up a copy of Cooking Children.

3. Phelps spurs the nationalist within yet still seems kinda douchey
Michael Phelps made me love America anew. I cheered loudly for him to beat every other country into submission. Nameless hordes of athletes bowed down to his superior skill. He won eight gold medals in one Olympics. Eight! That's insane! I don't own eight of anything valuable. Nothing. I have 14 student loans and 350 books. I do have 9 fillings. Is mercury valuable? Well, I digress. Phelps was simply incredible to watch. His time in the pool was among the most compelling television I have ever watched. Tremendous drama. The guy is simply an amazing athlete. He made the Olympics a lot of fun.

In the aftermath of Beijing, however, the onslaught of Phelps's media blitz made me qualify my enthusiasm for the kid from Baltimore. While he remained an unquestionably awesome athlete, the "dude" behind the superstar seemed kind of douchey. He's not the devil or anything, but he exhibited the same kind of "bro" mentality that nearly suffocates every college campus. This was confirmed by a friend of a friend who overheard Phelpsy say that he "majored in pussy" at Michigan. Nice. Even if he didn't say it, the fact that I don't find the alleged utterance inconceivable points to my suspicion of the man's dubious stature. He's still a kid, and he's rich and famous, so perhaps it'd be more surprising if he wasn't a douchebag.

Above: Phelps shows off a crater where his stomach is supposed to be.

I'll be interested to see how Phelps the celebrity translates back to Phelps the athlete. I guess he's at least proven himself on the big stage before he became a serious douche celebrity. Perhaps Bodie Miller could learn a lesson here before the 2010 winter games come around. If you are going to be a douchebag, wait until after you've won a gold (or eight gold) medal(s).

2. Detroit Lions make a stinky, call it a NFL season
As I write this, Detroit has officially become the only team in the history of the NFL to go winless for an entire season. If you follow TDGP, you know that we have a fondness in our hearts for the lowly Lions. They don't just stink. They are stink artists. They find new and creative ways of stinking. They make you sit back and say, "holy crap, I hadn't even thought about that form of suckitude!" They are so bad. You have to feel bad for the city of Detroit. What do they have? Nothing! The Lions somehow find a way to make a bad city feel even worse about life.

Above: Humiliated fans push for Matt Millen's dismissal. Problem is, the team he put together is still in Motown.

Lions ownership finally realized that Millen was a hack but were stuck this year (and likely in subsequent years) with the wreckage wrought by the man's incompetence. Seriously, I think I might just be a better evaluator of talent. How hard is it to pick two decent players in approximately seven years!? I truly hope that the Lions can field a competitive team soon. The poor souls of Detroit need something to look forward to, and unprecedented football ineptitude is not what the doctor ordered.

1. The Beijing Olympics
This event saved my sanity amidst PhD exams. Every night, the Olympic games provided me the opportunity to take a break from the madness of thinking about school.

Above: Artist's rendering of Rawley's psychological state in August 2008.

Swimming, gymnastics, basketball, track and field, and even cycling provided me with much needed entertainment in the midst of one of the most stressful periods of my life. The opening and closing ceremonies were among the most amazing spectacles I've ever seen. Their luster was only tainted by the idiocy of NBC's commentators who successfully managed to sprinkle a beautiful production with time honored Yellow Peril discourse. I did really enjoy the work of Rowdie Gaines and Mary Carillo, though. They knew when to talk and when not to talk. They made the most of their commentary. Sure, there were downsides. Why was Chris Collinsworth even there? What the hell did the Today show offer besides Orientalism? Matt Lauer thinks that Chinese culture is exotic and strange? How novel!

Despite my complaints, the Olympics brought great drama to my living room that enabled me to temporarily forget about my own little sphere and live vicariously in a much larger world. I credit the Olympics with allowing me those moments of clarity that, in the long run, made for better school work. This was the single most important sports event of the year and arguably one of the greatest Olympic games of the modern era.